How to Be More Empathetic in a Relationship and Why It Matters
You’ve just come home from an exhausting day at work, and all you want is a moment to decompress. But the second you walk in, your partner excitedly starts sharing about their day. You nod half-heartedly, feeling like you should listen, but your mind is still replaying the tension at the office. Then, their excitement fades; they pause, disappointment clear in their expression. "Are you even listening to me?" they ask. The air thickens, and suddenly, what could have been a bonding moment becomes a scene of hurt feelings and misunderstanding.
Situations like this highlight the importance of empathy in relationships. At its heart, empathy is about stepping into your partner's emotional shoes—noticing not just what they’re saying, but what they’re feeling. It’s the bridge that connects two minds and fosters emotional intimacy. For couples, empathy is an essential part of building a strong connection.
The Components of Empathy and Where It Falls Short
Empathy in relationships can be broken into three key parts. Cognitive empathy means you understand your partner’s perspective—what they’re thinking and why. Emotional empathy is about feeling alongside them, sharing the joy or pain they express. Compassionate empathy involves taking action to support them, like offering a hug after they’ve had a hard day.
Yet, empathizing isn’t always easy. Emotional roadblocks are common, and sometimes they creep up without us noticing. A major one is miscommunication. For example, you think you’re being helpful by offering advice when your partner vents, but they may interpret your response as dismissive, wishing instead that you just acknowledged how hard their day was.
External stressors also play a big role. Work pressures, burnout, or caregiving responsibilities can drain emotional availability, leaving little energy to engage empathetically. Even cultural differences can complicate how couples communicate their needs. If you’ve grown up in a family where openly expressing emotions wasn’t encouraged, tuning into your partner’s feelings might feel awkward or unfamiliar.
Practical Ways to Build Empathy
Empathy is a skill we can learn and develop. It begins with simple, intentional changes to the way we interact with our partners. One powerful tool is active listening. This means not just hearing your partner but truly tuning in. When they speak, make eye contact, put away distractions, and paraphrase what they’ve shared to show you’re trying to understand. For instance, saying, “It sounds like you felt really overwhelmed at work today,”conveys that you’ve heard their emotions, not just their words.
Learning to identify and express emotions is another key step. Consider pausing during conversations to ask yourself, “What’s my partner feeling right now?” A short daily check-in can strengthen this habit—take turns sharing emotional highs and lows from the day in a non-judgmental way. Even just 10 minutes of this kind of exchange can deepen emotional connection.
Perspective-taking exercises help too. When conflicts arise, try to visualize the situation from your partner’s viewpoint. What might it feel like to experience the day they’ve just had? This shift doesn’t excuse disagreements but fosters understanding. It's in these moments of shared vulnerability that empathy has the power to transform arguments into opportunities for growth.
Language also plays a crucial role. Small shifts, like replacing “You’re overreacting” with “I can understand why that would upset you,” can make a significant difference. Affirming your partner’s feelings doesn’t mean you necessarily agree with their perspective—it simply acknowledges that their emotions are valid. This validation reassures them that their emotional world matters to you.
Why Empathy Matters in the Long Run
At its core, empathy builds trust and emotional safety—the bedrock of any successful relationship. Research continues to back this up. For instance, a 2019 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (https://www.researchgate.net/publication/249719479_Perceived_empathy_accurate_empathy_and_relationship_satisfaction_in_heterosexual_couples) found that couples who practice higher levels of empathy report greater relationship satisfaction and lasting intimacy (Westrate & Hunsley, 2019).When couples feel understood, they’re more likely to communicate openly, approach conflicts with cooperation rather than defensiveness, and feel connected even during life’s stressors. Instead of growing apart, empathy fosters a shared narrative where struggles become a team effort rather than an individual burden.
Empathy also creates resilience. Challenges like cross-cultural differences, work-life imbalances, or even crises like infidelity require deep emotional understanding to overcome. Researchers at theGottman Institute (https://www.gottman.com/blog/self-care-emotional-attunement/)highlight that emotional attunement—a core aspect of empathy—can significantly reduce the risk of relationship breakdown, as it enables partners to respond constructively to moments of tension and repair emotional rifts together. Overtime, this mutual effort doesn’t just resolve conflicts—it cultivates a relationship where both partners feel seen, valued, and cared for.
But empathy isn’t just about avoiding conflicts or smoothing over tension — it’s about enhancing the everyday joy of being in a relationship.Think about the last time your partner laughed at a joke you shared or genuinely lit up at something you did. These are the moments where empathy fuels intimacy, helping you not just to coexist but to thrive together.
Moving Forward Together
Becoming more empathetic doesn’t mean you’ll always get it right—what matters is the effort and intention behind your actions. By practicing small, consistent habits like listening deeply, learning to pause before reacting, and speaking with care, you’ll create a ripple effect that strengthens the emotional bond between you and your partner.
After all, isn’t the true essence of any relationship the ability to truly see one another and be seen in return?
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About the Author:
May Han is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist practicing at Spark Relational Counseling in West Portland, Oregon, Washington, and Illinois. She’s passionate about helping people break through destructive patterns to better enjoy life and build loving relationships.
